Is It Too Soon?
The Question:
While visiting a friend in a different city, I went on a date with someone from the apps (I always like to see what other places have to offer) and surprisingly hit it off. He wants to visit me where I live next month, which feels fast and kind of freaks me out. No red flags so far other than just… liking me a lot very quickly? I can’t tell if I’m reacting this way because of PTSD or logical caution.
Virgo, 31, she/her/hers
The Response:
Wow, okay, first of all, let me just be super jealous for a hot second. A man you met, in a different city, likes you enough to travel to where you live to visit you after one date? In this economy? Holy hecken, does he have friends? Are they cool? Are they vaccinated? Can they come with if he visits? Do they also like Virgos?
For real, though, Virgo, I don’t think your over-analytical mind is working too hard here. He’s a man, and with every man is the potential for violence. It makes sense that you’re cautious here. You said that the only “red flag” is that he likes you a lot very quickly; let’s reframe that. Why would you think it’s a red flag for someone to like you a lot? I challenge you not to think of that as the red flag. While some caution is warranted, certainly, would you be asking yourself if it is weird for a new potential partner to stay the night with you if you really hit it off and were communicating regularly if they lived in the same city? Probably not.
If you’re worried that his intentions in liking you aren’t healthy or there’s something nefarious about him, that sounds like hypervigilance — which is a hallmark of both being a Virgo and having PTSD. Has he shown signs of love-bombing, or mirroring your likes and desires and the things you say? If so, your hypervigilance is warranted. If not, your hypervigilance isn’t serving you.
What makes it a red flag is not his interest; what makes it a potential red flag is his desire to stay with you during his visit. That makes me a little uncomfortable too, Virgo. What if you decide you don’t have sexual chemistry this time around? What if he doesn’t wash his hands after going to the bathroom? What if he leaves dirty dishes on the floor like a monster? What if you, like me (as a fellow Virgo), get overstimulated and need some time and space by yourself to recharge? What if — worst-case scenario here, of course — he’s violent?
The Advice
Ultimately, if you like him a lot and you want to see him again, I think it’s great that he wants to visit and you should encourage him to do so! However, set boundaries ahead of time and negotiate a compromise so you are keeping yourself safe. Suggest, for example, that he get an Air BnB or a hotel room for his stay. That way, you both have your own spaces you can go back to if things don’t work out. If they do, bonus staycation for you! If cost is an issue, you could offer to pay for half of it if things go really well and you decide to stay over with him or if he stays over with you.
It’s as simple as saying, “Heya hot stuff, I’m super excited about the idea of you visiting me but I’m a little nervous about you staying with me the whole time. It would make me feel more comfortable if you got an Air BNB or a hotel room. That way, there’s less pressure on both of us for your visit but we can still spend as much time as we want together. Does that sound acceptable to you?”
Here’s the thing: if he truly likes you and respects you, he’ll totally be willing to stay somewhere else in the same city. If he throws a fit about it, he’s demonstrating entitlement to your space, and he does not have that entitlement. No one does, Virgo.
