Ask a Virgo: Should I Confess?

The Question

When should I tell a friend I have a crush on them? As a queer man, I have often felt shame about my desire — that I was polluting a friendship with my thoughts. I don’t want to feed that shame by keeping my feelings hidden, but I also don’t want to make my friend uncomfortable. Is honesty always the best policy? What are your thoughts?

Aquarius, 31, he/they

The Response

Spoiler Alert! I know how this one ends, because the person asking this question had a crush on me! Has a crush on me? Is currently crushing on me? We’re crushing together? Whatever. I don’t know when crushes turn into something else, or at what stage of romantic exploration a crush evolves.

Side note: is a crush like a Pokémon? Is the first stage Crush, then it evolves into Crusher, and then Crushiest? Can anyone tell me what the appropriate language is, because not knowing is going to bother my Virgo ass.

Back to the topic at hand: Crushes are so great! And so anxiety inducing! Because the potential for rejection is there, and so is maybe the potential of losing a friendship? But on the flip side, the potential for gaining something else is there, and that’s pretty neat. Oh, goodness! An existential dilemma. Perfect for an Aquarius.

I totally see and understand struggling with desire and feeling shame around both, and also the stigma around platonic relationships between men and women when one person has a crush on the other. Considering when men and women embody traditional gender roles, the “friend zone” is weaponized and demonized by the media and toxic masculinity, blah, blah, blah, but you know that. You’re queer. And I’m queer! And we don’t follow traditional gender roles or assignations because they’re for the birds, or something. And we’re not birds. We’re people! And nymphs! You having a crush on me didn’t make me fear for my safety in any way, which, strangely, hasn’t always been the case.

The Advice

This one is really situationally dependent, Aquarius. We had a whole great conversation about it and you were very brave, but also I’m not the type of person to make a situation weird. If I hadn’t reciprocated, I would have been like, “Hey, I don’t feel the same way, but I care about you a whole lot and I don’t want this to change our friendship in any way unless you feel like it needs to.” Had I not been interested, I hope we would have talked to find a solution where you felt my care for you as a friend validated and we could find a way forward as friends.

But also, I reciprocated! So that discussion got a whole lot more fun!

If it weren’t me I was writing about, Aquarius, I’d say consider the friend first. Are they the type of person who ghosts potential suitors? How do they treat their love interests? How do they treat people they aren’t interested in? Would you feel comfortable having that conversation and feeling heard and safe, even in the potentiality of a rejection? If your friend handles their emotions well and can communicate well, I’d say go for it. If your friend struggles in that area sometimes, maybe light a teeny candle for that person and practice letting go.

PS — I have a crush on you.