Am I Too Much?
The Question
Sometimes I feel like I’m too much for the people around me, especially my partner. what do you think I should do? I feel bad distancing myself because they always get worried when I close myself off but I always feel like I annoy everyone I talk to. Any advice?
Pisces, 19, she/her/hers
The Response
Pisceans are little fishies of the Zodiac. They’re also quite big feelers. However, having big feelings doesn’t make you any bigger of a fish in this sea, Pisces. Unless you’re Cthulu or Ursula at the end of The Little Mermaid or whatever creature it was that made the famous bloop noise in the ocean in 1997, I can guaran-damn-tee that you aren’t too much. Also, the argument can easily be made that Cthulu and Angry Ursula and even the Bloop were only sea monsters and a noise that were still small in the relative size of the ocean.
Photo by The New York Public Library on Unsplash
Sorry to belabor that metaphor, Pisces, but I hope you understood it. What I’m saying is, is that it sounds like you are projecting your own anxiety around taking up space onto other people, and boy, is that a mood.
Let me ask you these questions: Why would your partner be with you if you were “too much”? What does “too much” even mean? Who or what gave you the suggestion that you were being “too much” in the first place?
When I was just a wee little neurotic Virgo, my family was big on telling me that I was being “too sensitive” about something. I heard it from my brothers and my parents. Hearing that over and over taught me that being upset or uncomfortable about something, or vocalizing my feelings, wasn’t safe or accepted; eventually, I stopped doing it altogether. Instead, I took care of everyone else’s feelings first. That caused me to think I was too much, too… Holy shit, I just realized the extent to which that impacted me as I typed this out. Can’t wait to share this tidbit in therapy!
The Advice
Okay, Pisces. The first thing I suggest you do is really sit with yourself and examine this belief you have. Where is it coming from? Whose voice does it sound like when you hear it? Is it your true voice, or is it one that doesn’t have your best interests at heart? Once you’ve figured out which voice is telling you that, you can decide whether or not to listen to it. I suggest you don’t, and instead, talk to yourself in a kind voice. I’m still working on this myself, and in fact, I’ve chosen a character to speak to me in a kind voice. That character is Samwise Gamgee because I’m a nerd. But when my thoughts spiral or my anxiety takes root, little Samwise goes, Oh, Mr. Virgo, you’re not too much at all. Would you like some taters?
For example, instead of thinking, man, my friends must be really annoyed by me all the time, check in with yourself. Ask, have I done anything that would annoy my friends? Ask, have my friends or partner told me at any point that I am annoying or too much?
You said it right in your question: they get worried when you close yourself off and get some distance from them. That right there tells me that your fear of being annoying or too much is unfounded.
The second thing I suggest you do is to talk with your friends and partner, especially when you’re feeling that way. Hopefully, they’re communicative people and can say, “no, you’re not being annoying” or “no, you’re not being too much” and here’s the kicker — you need to believe them.
Lastly, my advice would ultimately be to find a counselor, someone you can talk to, or even a workbook that can help you reframe these negative thinking patterns. These thoughts don’t serve you except to isolate you, and that sounds like depression speaking, not a reflection of reality.
Remember, Pisces: unless people are telling you you’re too much, you’re making it up. And if people are telling you you’re too much, maybe find some other people.
