The Question

I’m in the process of moving out on my own for the first time, which is scary. I also just lost my best friends because of a big messy situation. I’ve been really struggling with motivation to keep going and not feeling completely alone. Any advice?

Virgo, 21, they/them/theirs

LITERALLY THE CLEANEST SLATE YOU CAN HAVE😱🤤Photo by Philipp Berndt on Unsplash

The Reaction

Holy opportunity for growth and change, Batman! Moving out on your own for the first time is really scary, but let me tell you something, as a fellow Virgo, it’s also fucking awesome. You get to walk around without any pants on! You can eat whatever you…

The Question

I need advice on how to approach a guy. I’m 21, shy, and have been single for a while and I’d like a boyfriend.

Virgo, 21, she/her/hers

Just looking out the window at potential dating partners. Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

The Response

Oh, Virgo, so many jokes have run through my head on this one. Like, have you tried a pokéball? Have you lain out a plate of burgers and a beer (or adult beverage of your choice) outside of your house on the new moon for six months? …

The Question

Sometimes I feel like I’m too much for the people around me, especially my partner. what do you think I should do? I feel bad distancing myself because they always get worried when I close myself off but I always feel like I annoy everyone I talk to. Any advice?

Pisces, 19, she/her/hers

The Response

Pisceans are little fishies of the Zodiac. They’re also quite big feelers. However, having big feelings doesn’t make you any bigger of a fish in this sea, Pisces. Unless you’re Cthulu or Ursula at the end of The Little Mermaid or whatever creature…

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Question:

While visiting a friend in a different city, I went on a date with someone from the apps (I always like to see what other places have to offer) and surprisingly hit it off. He wants to visit me where I live next month, which feels fast and kind of freaks me out. No red flags so far other than just… liking me a lot very quickly? I can’t tell if I’m reacting this way because of PTSD or logical caution.

Virgo, 31, she/her/hers

The Response:

Wow, okay, first of all, let me just be super jealous for…

This is not your regular advice column. This is an advice column run by someone who gives excellent advice, but then rarely follows their own advice. In other words, it’s an advice column run by a lovely hypocrite.

Virgos are, by nature, logical, meticulous, caring, anxious, motherly (though I plan to keep my uterus empty for my entire life), righteous, and obnoxious. I’m not sure if that last part is universally true, but it feels true. It’s definitely true for me, and I’d like to think it’s part of my charm (I’m a Gemini rising).

I am also an Aquarius…

Whitney Gaines

The advice column no one asked for* from Denver-based queer, biracial writer & educator Whitney Gaines. (*for which no one asked)

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